3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
did you just send me my own nude
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
