this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
