My liver just broke up with me...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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