I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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