Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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