i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
