Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
