If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
