Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
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The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
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It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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