There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There r osticjed everywhere
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
