i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
