I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
