I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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