its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
