Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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