a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Damn victory sex feels great
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
