I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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