This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
