i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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