i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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