Need sex. Gaining weight.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
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Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
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It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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