Need sex. Gaining weight.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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