I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
