ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
