my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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