I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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