I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
