Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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