she takes plan B like it's going out of style
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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