I wish my penis had an off switch
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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