You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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