ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
