Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
