I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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