all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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