I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
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Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
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This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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