You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
