went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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