I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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