Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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