It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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