And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
