So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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