This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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