i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
