someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
