On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
