Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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