My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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