I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
