Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Randomize
