I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
