my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
