We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It's not a walk of shame if you run
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
