My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
